Vunerability

Ok.  So.  I'm going to write a blog post that's really putting me in a vulnerable spot.  Maybe it doesn't seem that way to anyone else, but it is to me because I haven't particularly talked about it publicly.  I have only expressed how I feel to very close people to me. 

Looking through the spring break pictures, frankly any pictures of me recently, are hard to look at.  I hate what I see.  Also, it's incredibly hard to know that others around me are so happy with the way they look, no matter what shape or size.  I commend them, but secretly I'm highly jealous.  Jealous that they are pretty.  Jealous that they are thin.  Jealous that they are just happy with the way they are.  It's not so simple for me. 

The point of this post...to get it out in the open...to have  a little accountability when I say that I'm done with feeling the way I do and I'm going to change.  It's going to be hard...I mean it has taken countless failed attempts already just in the past year.  So, if you're reading this, hold me accountable. Give me some tough love, even though a couple are already great at doing that.  Give me some encouragement.  Just be there.

This is me just a week ago.  I hate it.  I'm the heaviest I've ever weighed (well kinda, I did lose a pound this week but I blame illness); however, I'm the healthiest and most active I've ever been.

This is the last time I remember being truly happy with my body image.  Granted the night this picture was taken landed me in the clinic and on phenergam for the next three days because I didn't stick to my diet (practically starving myself by eating nothing that has carbs or fat), but this is when I felt comfortable in my own skin.  Happy to take pictures with anyone.  Happy to face the camera straight on and not at a side angle at an attempt to make myself look smaller.  I want this again...

But, I want this and still be able not to hate meal time!  I want to look and feel like this without having to beat myself up over a small chocolate craving.  I want to bake and cook and eat healthier and look like this.  Is it possible?  Am I just deluded into thinking that people can eat like a normal person by not cutting an entire food group (say carbs) and be able to look like this?  Okay, now I'm rambling.  I'm just frustrated.

I'm not asking to be the size of a super model or even the size of my beautiful sister...I just want to be happy...Oh well...I guess we'll see...